The Other Thing Coronavirus Took From Us: Ourselves
Another day on the corona coaster. The looping, swooping, terrifying ride that no one asked to get on — and no one is allowed to get off.
Many of us went into the UK’s latest national lockdown with good intentions; we’d make the most of it and come out on the other side as better individuals. Dry January, daily exercise, healthy eating. We might even start meditating.
However, since the latest lockdown announcement (potentially the grimmest to date, given its probable duration, the sky-rocketing numbers of dead and infected, the new strain and the painful weather), I’ve been feeling completely flat. That initial New Year’s positive high has suddenly swooped to the lowest low. I’ve battled sleepless nights and have felt as though I’ve been dragging myself around the house as a shell of who I once was.
Because coronavirus has snatched an inconceivable number of things from us. Friends and family members have been taken away by the virus, and we’re prohibited from seeing many others. Our businesses have crumbled before our eyes. We’ve lost jobs, education, money, homes and livelihoods. Even our freedom no longer belongs to us.
But as I go to the park for my daily exercise, or to the supermarket to pick up the essentials, I notice that it’s taken something else — ourselves. The people I come across look worried and filled with angst, and there’s a definite sadness that blankets the air.
I try to think about when I was last really, truly happy, and I’m finding it difficult. Happiness shines through your face and instead, I look dull — even older. My sense of fun, my sense of adventure — two things I was one quite proud of — have evaporated. That sense of humour that Brits are so famous for no longer comes as easily. The wideness of my smile and the sparkle in my eyes seem to have gone, and I’ve noticed the same in so many adults and children I know.
Think of who you were a year ago, before the virus hit. Are you the same or different now? Which ‘you’ do you prefer?
For me, it feels like the virus has had a similar emotional underlying effect to a break-up. Just on a huger, global scale. We feel flat. Maybe even unsure about who we are and which direction we’re taking. Everything we knew about how our futures would look has changed, and just like a break-up or any difficult emotional period in our lives, it’s toughened us up and turned our optimism into realism.
We’re having to work harder to find success or happiness. We have to wait for permission to see the people we love. It’s turned some very bright, beautiful faces into some very grave ones.
It’s not just our personalities and outlooks that are being manipulated, either. We can no longer keep our hair in the style and colour we like, because salons keep getting closed. We can’t get those statement nails we love, or keep our eyebrows groomed. It may all sound superficial, but it goes deeper than cosmetic treatments; our identity is being taken away.
Making sure we still like what we see in the mirror has become an uphill battle. It’s so easy to let our hygiene and grooming slip, to wear the same sweatpants for days on end. Our exercise regime gets neglected because we have nowhere to flaunt our sexy bodies — and no one to flaunt them to.
Which brings me to my next point. Don’t worry: it’s just as depressing as all the others. Our hobbies. The things that make us more interesting to others, that give us confidence, that help us to develop as people and give us some time away from the stresses of work and family life. If your hobby takes places amongst others, that’s gone, too. And all the benefits that come with it. Again, it’s knocking us back into the watered-down way of living that we’re all just trying to wade through.
Our reasons for getting out of bed in the morning have changed. Whether you’re a high-flying business person or your purpose in life is to teach children, many of us are having to re-think our careers or put them on hold.
Coronavirus has taken away what’s fundamentally “us”. Like a break-up, it’s both shocked us and worn us down. But everyone knows what happens when you recover from a break-up. You come back stronger, sassier and with a thicker skin than before. We will recover from this and we’ll rebuild ourselves to what we once were, on a global scale. Who knows — maybe we’ll even be a better version of the old “us”.
